Understanding Trauma Bonding
What Is Trauma Bonding?
Trauma bonding is an intense psychological attachment between someone who is abused and their abuser.
This bond is most common in relationships with a cyclical pattern of abuse.
Relationships with a cycle of abuse and occasional positive reinforcement are considered toxic or abusive relationships. The bond that develops between the abuser and the abusee is often a deep, extremely unhealthy connection that makes it difficult for the abusee to leave the abusive person.
What Does Trauma Bonding Mean?
The complex psychological and emotional attachment forged between an abuser (perpetrator) and victim stems from relationships with a long history of abuse mixed with times of affection.
Despite the term “trauma-bonding,” the term does not imply that the people in the relationship are bonding over a shared trauma or traumatic bond. Instead, this bond is created by a cycle of abuse and acts of love or contrition.
The abusive person goes through the cycle of abuse and then says they’re:
- Sorry
- Won’t do it again
- Loves them
- Makes gestures of regret
- Showers the victim with attention, love, or gifts
These words, gifts, and acts of “love” are necessary because the abuser is trying to make their victim feel safe and like they need the relationship.
What Is a Trauma-Bonded Relationship?
Relationships that develop between an abusive partner and a victim are called trauma-bonded relationships because they involve cycles of abuse, for example, domestic abuse, and times when the perpetrator shows kindness or positive reinforcement.
The times of affection make it challenging for the victim to leave their abusive partner.
The cycle of abuse and kindness develops like this:
- Cycle of abuse: The pattern of abuse includes emotional or physical abuse, threats, or manipulation.
- Intermittent positive reinforcement: During this time, the perpetrator shows affection, remains calm, or uses love bombs. These times make the abusive times seem farther away from each other and leave the victim with something to hold on to.
- Psychological and neurobiological: The pattern of abuse and positive reinforcement changes how the brain responds to abuse because of the positive moments. The victim can think that love or being worthy of love is connected with emotional and physical violence.
What Causes Trauma Bonding in Relationships?
Trauma bonds develop in relationships where there is a power imbalance and a cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement.
The abusive partner has power over the other person and goes between hurting them and making them feel safe and loved.
Relationships defined by trauma bonding can occur regardless of the relationship’s duration. However, there is an increased risk of it when the abuser makes a show of expressing love to their partner and tells them the abuse won’t occur again after every incident of abuse.
The cycle of abuse and intermittent reinforcement of love and kindness can be confusing and overwhelming.
The emotional toll trauma bonding takes on your mental well-being can increase the risk of developing severe symptoms of a mental health disorder like depression. Ocean View Psychiatric Health Facility provides acute psychiatric crisis stabilization to guide you to symptom management.
While you’re at Ocean View, our mental health team will also help you connect with support groups and mental health professionals who specialize in trauma-bonded relationships.
Types of Trauma Bonding Relationships
What Are the Different Types of Trauma-Bonded Relationships?
Trauma bonds can appear in various relationship settings, including romantic relationships, family relationships, and friendships.
How Does a Trauma Bond Work?
Trauma bonds work because they stem from a fundamental human need to form attachments for survival.
Once in a relationship where one person depends on another for survival, a power imbalance is formed. When this is coupled with the repeated promises of never abusing the victim again and repeatedly regaining trust, a trauma bond is formed.
Trauma bonds are a mechanism by which the brain finds a way to survive difficult situations.
The brain forms a paradoxical attachment in the following situations:
- Domestic violence
- Kidnapping
- Sexual abuse
- Elder abuse
- Human trafficking
- Incest
- Cults
Most people don’t know how an abused person can have feelings of love, dependence, or worry about their abuser, but until they’re in a situation, they may never understand.
Why Is It Hard to Leave an Abusive Relationship?
Leaving an abusive relationship isn’t easy because many victims fear what could happen if they leave, and feel they are safer in an abusive relationship because they know where their abuser is and how to read their moods.
They may also have the following challenges:
- Low self-worth
- Financial
- Psychological and physical security
Society is also another reason why it’s difficult to leave an abusive relationship.
Other reasons include:
- The belief that things will change
- Threats of physical harm to them, a child, or a pet
- Fear of being isolated from family, community support, and friends
Once the decision is made to leave an abusive relationship, it is essential to develop a safety plan. If you or a loved one is in an abusive or trauma-bonded relationship, you can find help through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by texting BEGIN to 88788, visiting their website, or calling 800-799-7233 (SAFE).
Is Trauma Bonding Toxic?
Yes, trauma bonding is toxic and damaging to your mental, physical, and emotional well-being.
The bond between the abuser and the abused is not love. Still, it is a survival response formed by a cycle of emotional and/or physical abuse combined with periods of affection, promises not to hurt the abused again, or gifts.
Stages of Trauma Bonding
What Are the 7 Stages of Trauma Bonding?
If you’re not sure if you are in a trauma-bonded relationship, these are the seven stages of trauma bonding:
- Love Bombing: Your partner showers you with excessive attention, gifts, admiration, or positive feelings.
- Trust and Dependency: In this stage, the abuser will cut you off from other forms of support (social, family, and financial) so that you’re dependent on them for everything. Trust is built when the abuser gives you attention, money, and makes you think they’re reliable.
- Criticism: Once this stage is reached, an abusive partner will begin to chip away at your self-esteem by calling you names, making you feel like you’re to blame for situations, or not worthy of value and respect.
- Gaslighting: Gaslighting is a part of emotional abuse. The abusive partner will try to make you think you didn’t see or hear things they did.
- Addiction: The cycle of abuse and love bombing becomes addictive because of the changes it makes to your brain’s neurotransmitters.
- Loss of Self: Persistent emotional and physical abuse wears away at your sense of self. You may not know who you are anymore, or lose yourself in a person or a relationship.
- Resignation and Submission: You may feel it’s easier to give in or give up to the abuser’s expectations or demands. Resigning to their needs may seem easier than standing up for yourself.
What Is the Trauma Bonding Cycle?
The trauma bonding cycle occurs in four stages:
- Idealization
- Devaluation
- Hoovering
- Repeat
Does Trauma Bonding Only Happen in Romantic Relationships?
No, trauma bonding can happen in any relationship with a cycle of abuse, manipulation, and periods of positive feelings like affection and kindness.
What Is Trauma Bonding In Friendships?
Friendships that are trauma-bonded are formed with a strong, unhealthy emotional connection to an emotionally manipulative friend, who exerts unhealthy power or control over you, or creates conflict whenever they can.
If you’re in a trauma-bonded friendship, your friend will exploit your emotional pain, leaving you feeling trapped because of their moments of affection.
Signs of Trauma Bonding
What Are Signs of Trauma Bonding?
The signs you or a family member may be in a trauma-bonded relationship include:
- Intense emotional connection
- Isolation from supportive relationships
- Cycle of abuse and affection
- Rationalizing, minimizing, or defending abusive behavior
- Obsessive thoughts about the abuser
- Fear of abandonment
- Loss of identity
- Challenging to set boundaries
Feelings of obligation, fear, and anxiety characterize trauma bond relationships. You do things out of fear of your abuser’s actions if you don’t do what they want. This type of relationship causes severe short-term and long-term emotional and physical harm.
What Happens to Your Brain In a Trauma Bond?
A trauma bond affects your brain by developing a neurochemical addiction-like pattern of behavior that is driven by pleasure and stress hormones.
During the cycle of abuse, your brain will release cortisol and adrenaline, which regulate your fight-or-flight response. During the period of positive feelings, your brain will release feel-good hormones like oxytocin and dopamine.
How Can You Tell if You’re in a Trauma Bond?
The signs that you may be in a trauma bond include:
- You feel addicted to the relationship
- Make excuses for your partner’s dangerous or harmful behavior
- Are or feel isolated from family and friends
What Are the Signs of Emotional Abuse?
Verbal behaviors that control, frighten, or isolate you are signs of emotional abuse.
These verbal behaviors include:
- Threats
- Insults
- Manipulation
- Excessive Jealousy
- Intimidation
- Humiliation
- Dismissiveness
- Monitoring
- Making Decisions for You
What Are the Long-Term Effects of Trauma Bonding?
Being in a trauma-bonded relationship leads to harmful long-term effects, such as:
- Depression
- Anxiety
- PTSD
- Substance abuse
- Loss of self-esteem
- Isolation
- Unhealthy relationships
Healthy Relationships
Am I In Love or Is This a Trauma Bond?
The vital differences between a love and a trauma-bonded relationship are whether you feel secure and supported (love) or fear and anxiety (trauma bond).
What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?
A loving relationship is built on a foundation of trust, respect, emotional stability, and reliability.
In a healthy relationship, you feel emotional support, validation, and acceptance from your partner.
Can a Trauma Bond Become Healthy?
Yes, a trauma bond can become a healthy relationship.
However, it takes work from both individuals in the relationship to make healthy, positive changes.
Seeking help from mental health professionals who are experienced in evidence-based mental health treatment focused on trauma bonding fosters a healthy, safe space for understanding trauma bonding.
Breaking a Trauma Bond
How Hard Is It to Break a Trauma Bond?
Breaking a trauma bond is a challenging process that is emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting.
How Do You Break a Trauma Bond?
You can break a trauma bond by acknowledging the emotional and mental abuse of the relationship and creating physical and emotional distance between you and the abuser.
What Are Some Ways to Break Trauma Bonds?
Steps to breaking a trauma bond include:
- Recognizing the trauma bond
- Create physical and emotional distance
- Set absolute boundaries
- Rediscover yourself
- Prioritize self-care
- Seek mental health treatment
- Get involved in support groups
At Ocean View Psychiatric Health Facility, our inpatient and outpatient programs provide safe, judgment-free support. Our mental health professionals and care team guide you in discovering healthy life skills and coping mechanisms that can become the foundation for healthy, fulfilling relationships.
How Do You Leave an Abusive Relationship?
There are vital elements to leaving an abusive relationship, which include:
- Discussing and creating a safety plan
- Identify safe areas to go to
- Have medications ready
- Have an escape plan that includes safety provisions for pets, kids, and other loved ones
- Be ready to leave immediately
You don’t have to create an exit plan on your own. You can talk with someone you trust about your needs, concerns, and potential safe places to escape to. You can also contact your local domestic violence shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Are There Trauma Bond Withdrawal Symptoms?
Individuals who leave trauma bond relationships can experience physical and emotional withdrawal symptoms, such as:
Physical
- Nightmares
- Insomnia
- Change in eating habits
- Headaches
- Stomachache
- Fatigue
Emotional
- Extreme fear and anxiety
- Depression
- Obsessive thoughts about the abuser
- Cravings for the abuser
- Trust issues
Healing From a Trauma Bond
How Do You Heal From Trauma Bonding?
Healing from trauma bonding isn’t linear; it takes support, time, and mental health treatment.
How Do You Treat Trauma Bonding?
Treating a trauma bond takes compassion, distance from the abusive partner, mental health treatment, self-care, and support groups.
Some examples of treatment include:
- Seek Mental Health Treatment: Trauma-informed care can guide you through evidence-based treatments.
- Engage in Healthy Activities: Healthy eating, sleep behaviors, and activities can increase your self-esteem and decrease your dependence on the abuser.
- Rediscover Yourself: You can get back to the activities you loved before the relationship or try new ones. Take time to explore a variety of activities or interests to rediscover yourself.
Do Trauma Bonds Ever Go Away?
Yes, trauma bonds can go away, but it will take patience, self-compassion, support, and time.
What Is the Best Treatment for Trauma Bonding?
Professional mental health treatment and building a safe, supportive environment are the best treatments for trauma bonding.
How Long Does It Take to Heal From a Trauma Bond?
There isn’t a certain amount of time that it takes to heal from a trauma bond.
When an individual has a history of trauma and is experiencing trauma, the level of care and time needed to rebuild themselves varies. It’s okay if it takes months or years to build a new life.
FAQs
Do you need more support with your mental health?
Yes, when you’re recovering from a trauma bond relationship, mental health support is essential.
The harmful effects of a trauma bond relationship include depression and anxiety.
Why do people stay in trauma-bonded relationships?
Many people stay in trauma bond relationships because of fear and anxiety.
They may also feel guilt, be dependent on their abuser, or lack a safe place to escape to.
What is a trauma dump?
When you or a loved one shares (overshares) their traumatic experiences with someone else without warning in a short amount of time, it is called trauma dumping.
Trauma dumping is a type of coping mechanism that allows an individual to process and vent their emotions.
Some examples of trauma dumping include:
- Sharing graphic or explicit experiences with strangers or acquaintances
- Posting about traumatic experiences on social media
- Telling your traumatic experience and not listening to another’s story
Can trauma bond become true love?
The chances of a trauma bond relationship becoming a genuine love relationship are relatively low.
A trauma bond relationship is built on power imbalances, abuse, and fear. Authentic love relationships are founded on respect, trust, and safety.
What is toxic venting?
Emotional dumping, trauma dumping, and toxic venting are acts of expressing feelings without being aware of or considering other people’s needs, comfort, or situation.
What is Stockholm Syndrome in trauma bonding?
Stockholm Syndrome is a specific type of trauma bond that is formed in a hostage or other life-threatening situation.
The person who is being held hostage or kidnapped forms an emotional bond with their captor.
Is trauma bonding a form of codependency?
Yes, trauma bonding is considered a form of codependency.
However, unlike codependency, trauma bonding is connected to a cycle of abuse.